Contemplation. Inner space, 2021
Sumi-ink, acryl, paper, 50 x 70 cm
Do you love me enough that I may show you it all?
Do you love me enough that I might take off the smiles
I carry through the day and show you my quiet sadness?
The one that keeps me soft, a little unsure all the time,
but in touch, in touch with myself and with the soil below me.
Do you love me enough so that I can give up on always being strong?
That rather than push and strain every muscle in my body
I might just sit with you and let all the tension fizzle away…
so that you might see the mouse in me rather than the lion
I often cling to out of fear and necessity?
Do you love me enough so that I might breathe and let all my
uncertainties rise and watch them not scare you away?
Despite how loud they often sing and even though they
seemed quite badly.
Do you love me enough so that I won’t feel the desperate urge to cover up my
spots and scars and pretend my lips are always hot red beauty and eyelashes
last and strong?
Because sometimes I’m quite washed out.
My skin pale. My lips vague, my hair lacking.
And I want to fell myself in those moments too.
Do you love me enough so that I might be weak
and small and messy and fragmented, though I try
hard to find my union every day? Because I’ve
realized that I won’t find my union if I cannot be
weak and small sometimes as I am all these things,
their opposites and more.
And my life has now become about embracing my all.
Not shunning myself in shame on a difficult day or holding too right days
Where I feel I succeed. I want to be with someone who prefers me rather than the roles I have, or the illusions I create about my togetherness. I want to have company when I’m weak and tired and in the heart of life crumbling around me.
And I want to be that someone to somebody too. So maybe
the biggest question is will you love me enough to open your
inside planets so deep and let me be that person to you as well?
– S.C. Lourie, ”2am reflections”